Patience for the Patient...

We made another trip back home to Pampanga last sunday.

Glad to know that dad was discharged from the hospital saturday night.

Good news is that the tube for his feeding was removed because he himself made the effort to eat on his own. He is now able to swallow and take in his food by mouth.

Thank God for making him better even...but still he is too weak.

Seeing him just lying there, helpless and dependent on the people around him to almost anything he wants to do. When he needs to move, someone has to carry him...lift him up. 

I admire my mom and my sisters for doing this for him. 

I admire especially my mom for being patient whenever dad has memory lapses due to his Alzheimers.

Talking to him is not the same anymore. 

One has to have a lot of patience and understanding about his condition in order to be able to make sense of  his senseless rumblings.

But then again, after being out of the hospital, it's like he is back to his usual ways of not eating. 

He would rather sleep. 

One has to remind him that it's time to eat.

And when he eats, he would sometimes fall asleep.

We would always have to tell him that he needs to nourish himself to be strong so that he would not be confined again and be subjected to tube feeding.

But same old stubborn dad, he would want it his way.

Sometimes we can't understand anymore...but then again maybe we just don't know the pain he is feeling.

Now we pray that God gives him the strength to have faith...to trust in the Lord...to believe that he will recover...that he need not question the Lord why he is in pain...that he would not pity himself but rather help himself.

I believe that if only he would accept the reality, he would be able to understand that the Lord would not let anything bad happen to him...that this is just a test...a test for all of us.

I look forward to the day when I will receive an SMS from my sister telling me that all is well and dad is feeling better as each day pass...

So near and yet so far...

Homecomings always excite me but my homecoming last Sunday to Pampanga made me feel jittery inside, we are not going to our house but straight to the hospital. I can't even count the times Dad has been in and out of the hospital. This is the second time I will be coming home to Pampanga with dad confined in the hospital.

The past days have been trying times for the whole family. I have been calling almost everyday to check on dad's condition and on how my mom and sisters are coping. 

How I wish I could be there beside dad...with the family... 

so near and yet so far...

When I saw dad, I just couldn't help myself...I cried, I didn't know where my strength went. I am not used to seeing dad so helpless with the feeding tube in his nose. I just held his hand, looked into his eyes and I can see the pain...I can feel his pain. Talking to him that time, asking him how he is feeling...how he is coping with the pain..and all he could do was hold on to my hand ...and I could see tears in his eyes. It's like he wants to tell me something but he can't.

How I wish I could be there beside dad...with the family... 

so near and yet so far...

A lot of complications have surfaced with dad's condition, and with all the different types of medicine given to him, I know he has grown tired of them. Latest medication given to him was for Alzheimer's...which explains why sometimes we can't talk properly with him...I was glad that when we came to the hospital, he was himself...it was like nothing happened to him...but later in the afternoon, it started again. When we talk to him, he would repeat his answer for so many times. He even called me "Beng", he thought I was "Beng"...when we asked him about it, he said he was talking about his sister Virginia/Beng...and he said he wants to talk to her...so we sent an sms to our Aunt Beng that dad wants to talk to her.

Then he would call out names, he was looking for his "Sonny Boy"...our little bro Dusteen...

Then he would just look at us and smile...then he would fall asleep...wake up and it's a whole new situation again...

It was heartbreaking to see dad in this condition...he was like a child....my mom said this happens every now and then that is why someone has to be with dad always. 

How I wish I could be there beside dad...with the family... 

so near and yet so far...

So near and yet so far...

YES, I am already in the Philippines and not Singapore...

YES, I am near but I am not in Pampanga but in Manila...

YES, I want to be beside dad and be there for him, be his daughter...

but I  have my family to take care of...I am a wife...a mother.

It's so hard that I always say Sorry to my mom and sisters coz I can't be with them to help out.

I am blessed to have an understanding family...

I am blessed to have a husband who gives me strength and understands the situation...

I am blessed that the good Lord is always with us...

A friend of mine shared this inspirational words and it became clear to me...

"God didn't promise days without pain, 

laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day, 

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

 

***Dad is still in the hospital, he is now undergoing hemodialysis...and the feeding tube is still there and will stay for a few more months until he recovers his strength. .

 

 

The Fear of Letting Go...

It has been a year since daddy started his dialysis.

Since then, my husband already told me to prepare myself to whatever will happen because he explained to me the fact that the dialysis is to prolong not to cure. It will be a lifetime procedure that daddy has to undergo. And so after that talk, I had to cry all there is I had to let out and tell myself to accept this fact. "I am ready." That is what I keep on telling myself. ...And so I thought...

For the past year, daddy has been in and out of the hospital with various complications relating to his condition. We would always joke about it that he is already a "stockholder" in the hospital.

But then, this past week, his admission to the hospital was a different one. He had been saying his goodbyes, telling us that he is already too weak to go on and we would sometimes be mad at him for not putting on the effort to fight. We would always tell him that if he love us, he should have hope...have faith...that he would get better.

He was discharged from the hospital last Saturday and we were happy that he was able to surpass another trial in his health. 

All was well until Sunday's incident. 

He was suddenly unconscious. 

He would not wake up. 

We thought this was it...this was the time when he has let go.

Mom and my two sisters who are with him in Pampanga were in panic.

They checked his heartbeat, and it was strong....a good sign...a great sign that he is OK.

His blood pressure was OK...all his vitals were OK. Thank God!

And it took a while for him to regain consciousness, and he could not remember a thing.

This "episodes" happened twice.

It was the effect of the medicine he was taking.

Looking back, I don't know how to feel.

I was crying and crying, I was not myself.

This is when I realized that we are not prepared for that time.

I am not prepared...I am not ready to let go...I was only convincing myself that I am,  but honestly I am not.

It is so easy to say it but when it happens, everything changes...I can't even describe the feeling and I would not want to feel what I felt last Sunday. 

It is too painful.

And now, everyday I pray to our good Lord, the divine healer to give dad more time.

To give us the strength to accept whatever His plan is for our dad.

Let Go and Let God...

The CASA is back...

After MIA for more than a month, I am finally back to my usual routines...not fully but still inching my way to the so called "normalcy" in my life.

We are back to our homeland, hubby has a new job posting so wherever he goes, the family gets to tag along. 

It feels good to be back, going back to the familiarity of how our life was years ago. But still, I get to miss the way we live our life in Singapore, the simplicity of it. Though we are back in the Philippines, we get to start all over again...as in from scratch. The past weeks were indeed hectic for us,...from moving to a new place, purchasing new stuff...applying for utilities...and the list just goes on. One small "hiccup" was the delay in the arrival of our things from Singapore, add to it the weather conditions as well as some "other things" that we had to deal with just to have our shipment released by customs. And if you are a Filipino, you would know what I mean by "other things"...:) It was really a headache having to talk to people who are offering you different reasons regarding to the delays. Total bummer. BUT we had to comply because we need our things. Oh, how I miss the efficiency of customer service in Singapore. 

Thank God the shipment was finally released and delivered with some opened boxes which they randomly picked and "inspected". Anyways, all they found were our clothes and my kitchen things. haha.

The house is still in a bit of a chaos, some boxes still needed to be unpacked. And it dawned on me that unpacking is way harder than packing. How I wish I get to use a magic wand or maybe find a magic lamp with a genie to help me put order in the house. wish, wish, wish ...

A lot have been put on hold for a month, hope I could have more energy to do the things I have been doing again...now, back to reality, some boxes are still in need of my attention...:)