The Fear of Letting Go...

It has been a year since daddy started his dialysis.

Since then, my husband already told me to prepare myself to whatever will happen because he explained to me the fact that the dialysis is to prolong not to cure. It will be a lifetime procedure that daddy has to undergo. And so after that talk, I had to cry all there is I had to let out and tell myself to accept this fact. "I am ready." That is what I keep on telling myself. ...And so I thought...

For the past year, daddy has been in and out of the hospital with various complications relating to his condition. We would always joke about it that he is already a "stockholder" in the hospital.

But then, this past week, his admission to the hospital was a different one. He had been saying his goodbyes, telling us that he is already too weak to go on and we would sometimes be mad at him for not putting on the effort to fight. We would always tell him that if he love us, he should have hope...have faith...that he would get better.

He was discharged from the hospital last Saturday and we were happy that he was able to surpass another trial in his health. 

All was well until Sunday's incident. 

He was suddenly unconscious. 

He would not wake up. 

We thought this was it...this was the time when he has let go.

Mom and my two sisters who are with him in Pampanga were in panic.

They checked his heartbeat, and it was strong....a good sign...a great sign that he is OK.

His blood pressure was OK...all his vitals were OK. Thank God!

And it took a while for him to regain consciousness, and he could not remember a thing.

This "episodes" happened twice.

It was the effect of the medicine he was taking.

Looking back, I don't know how to feel.

I was crying and crying, I was not myself.

This is when I realized that we are not prepared for that time.

I am not prepared...I am not ready to let go...I was only convincing myself that I am,  but honestly I am not.

It is so easy to say it but when it happens, everything changes...I can't even describe the feeling and I would not want to feel what I felt last Sunday. 

It is too painful.

And now, everyday I pray to our good Lord, the divine healer to give dad more time.

To give us the strength to accept whatever His plan is for our dad.

Let Go and Let God...