So near and yet so far...

Homecomings always excite me but my homecoming last Sunday to Pampanga made me feel jittery inside, we are not going to our house but straight to the hospital. I can't even count the times Dad has been in and out of the hospital. This is the second time I will be coming home to Pampanga with dad confined in the hospital.

The past days have been trying times for the whole family. I have been calling almost everyday to check on dad's condition and on how my mom and sisters are coping. 

How I wish I could be there beside dad...with the family... 

so near and yet so far...

When I saw dad, I just couldn't help myself...I cried, I didn't know where my strength went. I am not used to seeing dad so helpless with the feeding tube in his nose. I just held his hand, looked into his eyes and I can see the pain...I can feel his pain. Talking to him that time, asking him how he is feeling...how he is coping with the pain..and all he could do was hold on to my hand ...and I could see tears in his eyes. It's like he wants to tell me something but he can't.

How I wish I could be there beside dad...with the family... 

so near and yet so far...

A lot of complications have surfaced with dad's condition, and with all the different types of medicine given to him, I know he has grown tired of them. Latest medication given to him was for Alzheimer's...which explains why sometimes we can't talk properly with him...I was glad that when we came to the hospital, he was himself...it was like nothing happened to him...but later in the afternoon, it started again. When we talk to him, he would repeat his answer for so many times. He even called me "Beng", he thought I was "Beng"...when we asked him about it, he said he was talking about his sister Virginia/Beng...and he said he wants to talk to her...so we sent an sms to our Aunt Beng that dad wants to talk to her.

Then he would call out names, he was looking for his "Sonny Boy"...our little bro Dusteen...

Then he would just look at us and smile...then he would fall asleep...wake up and it's a whole new situation again...

It was heartbreaking to see dad in this condition...he was like a child....my mom said this happens every now and then that is why someone has to be with dad always. 

How I wish I could be there beside dad...with the family... 

so near and yet so far...

So near and yet so far...

YES, I am already in the Philippines and not Singapore...

YES, I am near but I am not in Pampanga but in Manila...

YES, I want to be beside dad and be there for him, be his daughter...

but I  have my family to take care of...I am a wife...a mother.

It's so hard that I always say Sorry to my mom and sisters coz I can't be with them to help out.

I am blessed to have an understanding family...

I am blessed to have a husband who gives me strength and understands the situation...

I am blessed that the good Lord is always with us...

A friend of mine shared this inspirational words and it became clear to me...

"God didn't promise days without pain, 

laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day, 

comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

 

***Dad is still in the hospital, he is now undergoing hemodialysis...and the feeding tube is still there and will stay for a few more months until he recovers his strength. .